Ex Pat Mamma

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Getting to know oneself.

About 3am on Friday, I woke up with some horrible pains in my abdomen. I was scared enough to wake up hubby. They subsided and I went back to sleep. But then, at lunchtime, there was some bleeding. Now, I KNOW lots of rational sensible things, like, "it might be an implantation bleed" and all that and I THOUGHT I knew that pregnancies this early are unsure and many many miscarry and it is just the way things are. I thought that if I miscarried, I would be a bit sad, sorry, but calm and able to accept that it just wasn't meant to be and we could just try again.
WRONG! Was totally hysterical. I was sure I had lost the baby. If it had just been the bleeding, without the earlier pain, I might have been ok. But I was in a complete state, simply bawling. Hubby had to explain to the hospital because I was so upset to speak.
We got another scan and now, progress, there is a "sac" in the right place (i.e. in my womb, obviously) but it is too early to see any "yolk" let alone a heartbeat. The dr. said that was quite normal progress from seeing nothing on Monday and that I had nothing to worry about. Of course, there is still a risk this early, but all seems to be OK.
The biggest shock to me of all was my own reaction. I was completely out of control. I realised just how deeply invested and committed I am to this baby. It is EVERYTHING. Am starting to believe that maybe everything is OK, but we can't be sure at all till January. And even then... I suppose I won't believe this till sprog is 25 and starting his PhD!

This is motherhood then... or something like it. I am completely irrational.



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