Ex Pat Mamma

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

So I have fat thighs


Hubby had nightmares the other night. Real flipping about like a fish out of water and screaming nightmares. So he told me last night what they were. He was attacked by a bag of sliced carrots and celery. Now, in my opinion, celery is a nightmare in itself. But I did find it rather less than worthy of the full on screaming-and-waking-up-my-wife nightmare than his preferred mother-with-no-head or witch-trying-to-eat-me regulars.

Apparently said bag of carrots and celery was really heavy and someone put it on top of him and he couldn't move. So I sat on top of him and asked him if it was as heavy as me. Then I told him I was a skinny as a stick of celery. OK, got that snake swallowed a watermelon look, but, as I pointed out, my legs were still skinny.

"Not there, they're not," says he, bravely, pointing to my thighs.

I could feel the humour draining from my body. Hmmm...

He could feel any chance of sex in the next 3 months slowly draining from our marriage.

"Oh, it's just the pregnancy, it's just water. It will go away as soon as the baby is born," he frantically adds.

"It's just when you cross your legs, I can see it," says he, continuing to dig. Make that 6 sexless months.

My thighs are NOT FAT!!! They could only even conceivably look slightly water retentative if you were comparing me at 27 with skinnymalinky athletic 20 year old me. Sadly, the latter is what hubby met and will, I fear, always be the standard against which I shall be measured.

Bollox. Why couldn't I just have been fat to begin with? Diet starts in 6 weeks.



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